there are days when i really consider deleting this website. days where whenever i look at this place, i just regret ever making it.

im not really sure what i can say here that hasnt really been discussed before, particularly in the 9/30 entry. still, i cant help but want to discuss these feelings anyway. this hatred i often feel, when it comes to owning a website.

oftentimes, i see people encouraging personal websites as some enlightening, freeing experience. i fucking hate it, really. it feels unrealistic, obnoxiously optimistic, even. my experience owning this website has been a slippery one, to say the least. one full of ups and downs. but right now, it feels like im in a constant state of down. and thats not just my depression speaking, i think. or maybe it is, it almost certainly is.

point is, owning a website has been an exhausting endeavor. and i just wanna vent about some of the things that make it exhausting, or at least currently exhausting.

i have a problem when it comes to people separating me from my website. i created this website for me first and foremost, its a diary with a few extra things to keep me busy. nothing i make here is for other people, its all just for myself. and so, i always feel a bit stung, whenever people see this site differently. whenever it's seen as just another website on the internet, made for the viewer and only the viewer.

ive seen everything from people raving about the font i use, to the tiny bits of music i have on the index page. people will focus more on the stamps and pretty sprites on this very page, rather than the words im writing right now. i find it just a bit objectifying, almost, because to me, this site is me. and by turning it into a spectacle, it feels like a part of my own personality is being gawked at. no matter how many heartfelt words i pour onto this page, and no matter how much of myself i express through this site, hundreds of people will see it every week, and only remember it as some pretty-looking blur in their memory.

maybe im just making this a bit too complicated, by feeling this close to my own website. maybe i should just make a physical diary instead, and throw this thing away. it's brought me more harm than good. or at least, it feels like that, sometimes. my sites not some object, or an aesthetic. its a part of me.

i try not to speak about examples that particularly sting me, but i feel like itll help me express my point better, so ill do it just this once.

i remember seeing my site on a page advertising some supposed 'web-revival' movement going on through neocities. i try not to speak on the topic much, but i find this whole web-revival shit to be really annoying. i dont really care about whether or not people use twitter, or how much of the internet google owns. a bitch like me has less important things to worry about.

but it hurt a bit, seeing my site advertised like that. like it was some fodder for a movement i dont even care for. it just felt disheartening, really. as i read it, i couldnt help but think to myself, "my sites worth more than that". its not some example to point at, so you can gloat about how good the 'indie-web' community is. im just a bitch doing what i want, and the least i can ask for is for people to identify me as such. i dont appreciate being turned into an icon.

maybe i took it too harshly. i appreciate them at least enjoying my site to the point of advertising it. but it just still felt so crushing, somehow. i really hope im not just taking things the wrong way.

on a smaller scale, ive already seen 3 people just copy and paste my code in attempt to start their own site. once again, it feels almost objectifying. like a bunch of people just seeing my work, but not taking it personally. not acknowledging the fact that i had to actively build and make this place. as if this site is just some public resource to take from, and not a digital documentation of my own spiraling mental state. its just so frustrating, seeing something you worked so hard to create, something youve attached yourself so closely to, being snatched away by people who just think it looks good. people who think its pretty, and have no thoughts beyond it. its sad.

like, i respect if people are copying my code just for private testing purposes, or to try and remake things ive coded. thats fine, ive even done that before. but when i see people just copying this site, and pasting it to their index page as if its a free template, i draw the line, even if im credited. it just feels disappointing. at least build something yourself that happens to look like my page.

i really hope i dont come off as bitter or harsh here. ofc, not everyone who looks at this site is going to see it the way i want people to see it. im just frustrated, really. i dont even know if these feelings are right, and im sure i deserve some criticism for them. these are just impulsive thoughts im writing down as i go. maybe later, i'll take them back. idk, i just dont want anyone to think im some spiteful, hateful bitch for writing this.

i mean, i am a spiteful, hateful bitch, but not for this, i think.

at the very least, i appreciate the people who dont separate me from my work. the people who read this diary, who read my poetry, and who try to treat me and this site as one and the same. to all the people like that reading this, thank you. it means a lot.

idk, maybe i'm just too heated about this. i need to like, calm down, or some shit. im supposed to be all cool and distant and bitchy i dont have time to care about prissy shit like this smh

sometimes, i just feel this really overwhelming sense of failure. like i'm nothing, and that i did something horrific to destine myself to a life of nothing. that i'm not the person i want to be, that i'm going nowhere, that i'll never really change.

i look at myself, or my life, and i can't help but just feel so ashamed and alone. like i'm just here, with no plans, and no future, and no grasp on living. it's just such a crushing feeling, knowing you'll never be anything. knowing that you'll never be what you want to be. i'm not even sure what i want to be, anymore.

i want a comfortable life. i wanna live in a nice house, with a loving partner, and maybe a cat or something. i want to be someone with self-control, i want to be someone who doesn't have to force themselves to feel anything. i want to be loved by someone, i want to finally feel like i'm not just some burden on life. i want to feel like i actually belong somewhere.

but at the same time, there's this really scary part of myself that just sort of, embraces how things are. it's probably just my self-destructive tendencies, but there are times when i catch myself sort of giving in to everything. part of me wants to live alone, to feel nothing, and to lash out at everyone in some bitchy, spiteful way. it just makes me feel even worse, i hate it whenever i think on those impulses. it makes me feel like some reckless animal, it's so fucking disappointing.

whatever, i shouldn't be thinking about this shit right now. im tired, i'll get some work done here in the morning. i'll probably publish this then too, im going to bed.

ill be honest, im surprised ive never once talked about my poetry here. guess i'll change that, today.

poetrys a very strange thing to me, since i really have no knowledge about it. i dont read works from many poets, i dont even know how to properly structure a poem. i just write down what i feel, or what i want to say. however, lately, i've been trying to take my writing in a more focused direction, and i'm not sure if i should continue.

a lot of my older poems are usually about general feelings and ideas, while my newer ones focus more on experiences and concepts. on one hand, i think my poems are at least easier to understand now, and i like being able to use more descriptive writing for specific scenarios. on the other hand, i sort of miss the more hectic and cryptic style my older writing had. i don't think my older poems are necessarily better, really. in fact, i found some of them to be too repetitive and same-y in terms of what they represent. i guess i'm just worried that i'm losing my edge, or that my writing's too clean now. i don't personally think it is, but it's still just a thought i have sometimes.

again, i don't really have too much to say right now. i'm mostly just tired, as always. i wanna get more work done on this site, but i'm kinda out of ideas right now, so maybe i'll just take a break. whatever.

its november already. feels like it was only summer a few days ago. the year's been going fast in general, really. hm.

i don't really have too much to say this time, or rather, i'm not really motivated to say anything. i've just been pretty tired and burnt out these past few days. just a lot of responsibilities i have to take care of now.

also, it's just generally pretty hard to write here, sometimes. ill find myself looking at what i've written here, and i'll feel dissatisfied. like it's not descriptive, or open enough. i present myself as too much of a blank slate, maybe. or rather, i don't have much of a personality to begin with. sometimes, i just feel so confused, even trying to make out what i write here. tldr, i really hope this diary doesn't come off as just some crazy bitch rambling.

whatever, its fine. maybe i just need to be a bit more casual, let go a little. idk. ive been pretty busy working on other stuff with this site too, notably an update to one of the old shrines, so thats something. im also probably gonna add something new to this page eventually, so look forward to that. as if anyone looks forward to the shit i post here lol

well, its the end of the month. also halloween, i guess. oh well, i dont really celebrate, or care for holidays at all. theyre just not my thing, i think im too gloomy of a person to really be into them.

im doing better, todays just been a very bland day. its dark and cloudy outside, and i dont really have any motivation to do anything productive. i dont know, i just feel very slow today. sort of pressured too, really.

the years already nearing an end, and i still dont have anything figured out. i dread next march. ill be 19, and still with no ambition. i just still feel so pathetic for not really having any "spark" in me, so to speak. its an issue i still have to deal with, i just dont know if i will be able to deal with it. its so tiresome.

its days like this where i wish i could just curl up in bed, let my worries go, and fall asleep listening to some nice music or something. i just feel so heavy, right now. its hard to describe.

i spent a lot of time this morning just crying, and hurting myself. my body feels cold, my hands keep shaking, and my head just hurts right now. a lot. its days like this, where i have to ask myself why i even bother engaging with life. im not sure why i havent just shut down yet. i think about death a lot, i think about killing myself a lot. i never go through with it, though. i really wonder why.

i had another talk with my father today. he insulted me, degraded me, accused me of things i didnt do, and told me i was inferior to him. that i was weak, and that i'd never make it anywhere. that i couldn't even think for myself. it was standard behavior, but it still hurt. i just stood there, nodding like a dog, and trying my best to hold back my tears. it's been 18 years, and this sort of thing still happens. i'm still nothing but a pet for the people that surround me. and when they feel angry, or slighted, they push those emotions onto me. i feel pathetic for even allowing this to continue. maybe i am just some weak, worthless dog.

he kept talking, and talking. eventually, i just felt something in me break a little. for at least a second, i could feel my body shudder, and my head telling me to do something. to reach into a nearby drawer, grab a kitchen knife while he wasnt looking, and murder him. but i flinched, and i couldnt do it. i just kept myself in place. it just made me feel even more useless. i'm not even strong enough to lash out at the very person who made me like this. the only person i can lash out at is myself.

my only question is why this even happened, and why this has always happened to me. i could be the best person for someone, i could do everything right, and still, they would hurt me like this. it's a pattern that's always remained true in my life. i try my best to do the right thing, to be there for someone, and its never appreciated. im never seen, never valued. im only insulted, or seen as useless. throughout my entire life, i can safely say i have never once felt truly loved. i hate that. i really hate it.

i just feel so small right now, like im just nothing. i dont know whats wrong with me.

ive noticed sometimes, that ill just seemingly have these random bursts of apathy, i guess. like, i dont really know why, but sometimes, all i can feel is just annoyance and spite, towards the most miniscule of things.

ill see people acting happy, or people expressing themselves, and ill just feel this overwhelming sense of bitterness. like i just wanna tear that person down, or something. its a hard feeling to describe, but it just feels like aimless anger. i dont know why i feel it.

i wouldnt say im an angry person. im actually pretty tame and shy in most scenarios. i think this is just pent up emotions, really. i just wish i didnt feel them, it makes me feel like i dont have much control over myself. like im just some animal running off instinct.

sorry for the short entry, im just sleepy, and i dont have much to say. feels like im sleepy all the time now.

sometimes, i get a little too wrapped up in the past, i think. i dont know if its much of a bad thing, but i know i feel like its a bad thing. idk. ive just been thinking about certain things.

i found an old chew toy yesterday, it belonged to one of my dogs. i was cleaning, found it in a drawer in one of my dressers. i just held it in my hand, and stared at it for a bit. i squeaked it, and i flinched. every time i squeaked it before, i would always hear her running towards me, wanting to play with it. i didnt hear her running this time. i put the toy down, and i walked away. i think its kinda weird that even after a year, i still miss her this much.

a few days ago, i started thinking back to what happened to my mother. i remember seeing her crying, for no reason, shortly before she left. it was honestly kind of an eerie sight, really. made me feel unnerved, somehow. i just felt bad for her. i still feel like im grieving, somehow. it hurts.

sometimes, ill just look outside my window, and just feel horrible. the trees are finally changing color, and the sky always looks so faded now, i dont know why, but it just makes me feel sad. i love this time of year, but whenever i look outside of my room, i just feel pathetic. every time i go somewhere, i feel like some lost animal. i always feel so meaningless, compared to everything else.

my father told me recently that i dont care about 90% of the things life has to offer. im apathetic, unambitious, weak. i just cant understand why im like this, why i feel like some machine. i dont blame anyone else for my state, or at least, i try not to. i just feel so spiteful, so abandoned. maybe i cant value things because no one valued me.

i feel like im falling asleep as i write this, i didnt get much sleep at all, really. sorry that this entry seems so disjointed, i just cant bring myself to make sense of my own thoughts. im sleepy.

well, its october now. something something spooky month. doesnt matter to me, im just here to rant about shit again

ive been like, trying to write something here for the past 20 minutes, and i just dont really know what to say right now. i could say a lot actually, but the annoying part comes from having to write it down. im pretty bad when it comes to expressing certain thoughts or feelings.

maybe i should just write about my daily life right now. its been pretty uninteresting tbh. the weathers colder, but it feels like more people are out lately, and it gets on my nerves sometimes. ive been having to go out even more too, and i really dont like it. responsibilities are a hassle, even when i force myself to carry them. oh well, its nothing.

honestly, i just feel sleepy as hell. i went to bed late, and then woke up too early by accident, so now im reaping the consequences. idk i just feel like i could pass out writing this, im not really in a stable mood rn. then again when am i ever.

i feel like i should write something longer but i really dont care enough to try and do that. maybe ill just like, go back to bed, idk.

seems im on this sort of schedule now, in terms of weekly diary updates?? didnt intend for this to happen, but its cool?? idk.

to be honest, ive always kind of had this love/hate relationship with my diary here. lately though, i feel like im learning to hate it more than love it. it can cause a lot of problems, when youre a bitch like me.

ive spoken before about how people can focus too much on what i write here, but there's also this sort of opposite feeling i get sometimes, as if people could barely even care about what i write here. people who see this site as nothing more than an asset, or something pretty to look at, rather than anything with depth, or emotion. i guess its not too far off from how some people have viewed me irl before. its just a bit disheartening.

like, i post a lot of negative and intimate things to this site. a lot of stuff about grief, anger, depression, sadism, etc. this site is a very personal thing to me, one of the few places i feel comfortable to even vent about myself. but, theres an odd sense of dread i feel about it too now. its because no matter how much i post about myself here, there will always be a large group of people who will ignore that, never really looking under the surface. people who only think this is some cool, awesome 'web revival' project, and nothing more. i hate being seen as that. i really do.

reminds me of a site i found, recently. it was written by a girl actively planning to kill herself. she didn't even hide that fact. and despite that, when i looked at her guestbook, the first message in it was someone treating the entire site as a random horror project, and playing the whole thing off. it made me feel genuinely angry, and it feels weird to finally understand what that feeling is like firsthand. i relate a lot to that girl.

maybe i just sound bitchy, or unreasonable. honestly, i feel kind of ashamed for feeling this way, but i want to vent about it anyway, just to get it out. i really just get tired sometimes of people treating this site as an attraction, rather than a creation.

i mean, id rather have this than have people read too much into my diary, and solely focus on that. ive had that too, and it fucking sucks. at least the people ive been writing about today arent the ones trying to overstep my boundaries and 'fix' me. i fucking hate those kinds of people too. i dont want to be defined by my writing, but i dont want it to go ignored either.

whatever, ill keep writing here, whether people actually understand it or not. might as well, i guess?? idk.

sometimes, i feel really self-conscious about my personality. i always feel bad about myself, like im just too gloomy or spiteful to keep up with anyone. maybe i just compare myself to others too much.

ill see people talking to each other, being friendly and upbeat, always seeming to strive through their problems. i hate it, and i envy it. i just feel like im too screwed up to even function comfortably anymore.

im always so bitchy, or sad, or cynical. i dont know if i can even empathize with people anymore, its so exhausting, and people are just so obnoxious. sometimes, i wonder if i even emotionally count as a human anymore.

i just feel directionless. i always feel directionless, but now especially. i hate it. a lot.

it feels like every day, i just float through the same things. the same routines, thoughts, actions, ideas, its always the same. i cant help but feel empty. i dont know what it is anymore, but i just feel so hopeless now, so irreversibly broken. its like i failed myself, somehow. i think i have failed myself. i'm on autopilot every day, never really trying, or thinking, or focusing on anything. i find myself hating everything i do, everything about myself. i am directionless.

i feel like a waste of time, a failure with no redemption. i cant even think straight anymore, and i barely feel anything but sadness anymore. its so exhausting, seeing others so passionate, so hurt, so joyful, over anything. i cant even bring myself to care for most things anymore. the only time i feel content is when im by myself, thinking, or sleeping. i dont even feel like im living anymore. im not sure what living is, anymore. every time i grasp for comfort, or ideals, or passion, it slips away. i always get grounded, like some plane shot out of the sky. it makes me wonder why i even try. why do i try to keep my sense of self? why do i try to forgive others? whats stopping me from just cutting down the world around me, before finally turning the blade on myself?

i dont see any futures anymore. im worthless. i am replacable, i am unremarkable, and i am waste of space. i feel like some failure, with words and feelings i cant understand always getting in the way. sometimes, i just think about grabbing a knife, and destroying myself. carving lines into my face, slashing my own eyes in half. i'd laugh and scream, blood pouring down my jaw, as i'd feel that knife plunge into my own face, over, and over, and over.

its like theres always something in my way, something to make me question things, something to make me fall. i feel dizzzy, and barely alive. im sorry that this entry turned dark.

lately, ive just had grief on my mind. not a normal kind of grief, though. im not even sure if im mourning anyone whos dead, its a hard to describe feeling. a few days ago, i found a social media account owned by my mother. i regret looking at it, really. made me feel a lot of things.

when i was 15, my mother sufered a mental breakdown. she was never really the stable type in the first place, really. she was always extremely superstitious, and very much a conspiracy theorist. she was also a pretty loud, manipulative, and egotistical person. eventually, her behavior caught up to her, and it got her fired from her job. she couldn't handle the pressure, so she went insane, and effectively abandoned her family to do whatever.

she was always abusive, even as i got older. i remember all the beatings, all the times she'd scream at me, saying i was just a failure. i even remember times when she'd lie about me to my father, just so she could watch him hurt me. one of the last memories i have of her before she left, was her pinning me to a wall, trying to strangle me for no reason.

but, when she left me, i didn't feel any better. i didn't feel like fate had avenged me, or like a monster was finally out of my life. i just felt empty. i've gone on since then, i've replayed the moments leading up to everything, over, and over. and i always end up feeling a sense of missing her, somehow.

she was never the mother i needed. there were times when she was there for me, but they were few and far between. but for some reason, every time i look back, i can't help but just wish it could've been different.

when i saw what she had posted on her account, i just felt so unnerved. her words were just rambling messes of insanity, and every picture she posted just felt horrifying to look at, somehow. there were blurry, grainy photos of dark rooms, random things she had bought, strange photos of just random places. it just felt so dark to me. it only got worse when i saw what she posted of herself. she just looked so dead. i'm not even sure how else to describe it, but, she looked so dead.

that's when it sort of broke me, i guess. it's like looking at a mangled corpse, and thinking to yourself, "that used to be a person". that used to be my mother. i cried, i thought about it for hours, and it still stings to remember it. i don't think i ever wanna see those pictures ever again.

wow, summers already over now. i mean technically its not but who fucking cares, summers over to me.

im just writing this bc i have nothing better to do this morning. i woke up early, and now im bored as fuck. actually, ive been kinda bored these past few days in general. my lifes just not an interesting one.

in fact, my personal life is always something ive struggled to talk about in general. i can talk extremely freely about my thoughts, my feelings, my mental state, but when it comes to what actually goes on in my life, i can never get it out. i think theres just some sort of fear i have, maybe. im not sure what im afraid of, but it makes me not want to go into much detail about current events in my life. idk. i wish i could get over whatevers stopping me.

oh well, i dont have much to say here. im tired, but its too late to go back to bed. ill just take today for myself, hopefully.

so, we're here at 200k views. idk, i dont have that much to say about it. its cool to see my site blowing up a bit recently, i guess. i never really thought my site would ever get this far. hmm.

as for my personal life lately, its just been a lot of ups and downs. thats how it usually is, but it just especially feels a bit more hectic this time. feels like i have so much to do, so much to think of, so many things i have to take responsibility of. it can wear you down, really.

ive been doing a lot of work on this site lately, and while it hasnt really burnt me out yet, i am starting to run out of ideas a bit. maybe ill take a break again or something, idk. i still have so much other stuff to do in my personal life, and its really starting to screw with me. idk.

idk what else to write here, im just a bit worn out as usual. i eagerly await the day where i wont feel worn out for once.

been spacing out the entries here a bit, since i dont really have much to say right now. ive just been trying to cool down again, mostly by focusing on hobbies, and working on some new pages here. idk. ill just talk about some random shit for now.

so like, my town got hit by a storm last night, and it was fucking horrible. it was raining like hell, thundering everywhere, and i could even see the lightning. it hit like an electrical pole, and the power went out for the whole night. thing is, it was still like 70 degrees out, so the humidity was fucking awful without AC. not a fun experience. it was kinda nice though, just sitting in the dark, watching it storm. hm.

apparently, im also on the front page of neocities now. cool?? idk how i got there, but its pretty neat. itd be cool if i stayed there, but i dont really care that much. id rather slit my own throat than become one of those "famous" neocities users. whatever.

my old neighbors left, and some small family moved in. they have a dog, it barks a lot, and it kinda fucks with me. like, i think i just subconsciously associate its barking with my old dogs barking, and it screws with my head. brings back stuff i dont like thinking about, i guess. smh.

sorry that this blogs not the usual gloomy, introspective shit i post. i just really dont have much to say sometimes. this is one of those times i guess, and i know theres nothing wrong with it, i just still feel guilty about it sometimes.

sometimes, its just extremely hard to even write anything down here, because i just have so much running through my head. theres a lot of things i could say about myself, my life, my thoughts, everything. i just dont know how to describe it, sometimes.

im always scared that ill show too much of my own weaknesses, or ill step out of line and say something wrong. sometimes, i cant even figure out how to string thoughts together into a full, cohesive entry. i dont want this diary to read like some crazy bitch's ramblings, even though it almost certainly does. i just dont know how to say things, i think. its really hard, i guess.

sometimes i dont even know how to approach topics i wanna write about, because im scared theyll be too dark, risque, or "real". idk, its just another dumb standard i hold myself to. i really gotta stop doing that. oh well.

its august, and summers gonna end once again soon. good riddance, in my opinion.

im feeling a bit better, compared to the past few entries. i just still feel a bit tired from it all. feels like i rarely get a break, i always have to confront some harsh emotions or memory from my past. i wish i could just forget it all, sometimes.

oh well, im just trying to focus on cooling down for now. been trying to limit my time online, and spend more time on my hobbies instead. its nice to just think about the present for once. like, i rarely ever stop myself to just take a break from thinking too much. i should try this more often.

some days, i just feel like im going crazy. something will be said to me, and for the next hour, my heart will be racing, and my body will be shaking in fear. other times, it'll make me shut down for the rest of the day. there are some days where all i can think about, is dying. that scares me, it really scares me.

i just feel weak, and useless again. like some burden. i feel like there's something wrong with me, some fatal flaw that prevents me from truly living. i wish i could think right, talk right, speak the right things. but every time i try, i find out i cant function. i really just want to know whats wrong with me. why am i so useless? why am i so weak?

its exhausting, this constant struggle of emotions. i really just feel like im going crazy. i feel scared, and alone, and like something horrible is going to happen to me soon.

there are three things that scare me a lot. death, time, and regret. three things i can't avoid, no matter how much i try to run from them. it's like my life just sort of attracts those topics. maybe i'm cursed lol

i have two sisters. one is missing, and has been since april of last year. i even wrote an entry about it, back when it happened. i've mentioned her, a few times. my other sister though, my oldest one, is someone i don't really know well. she moved out when i was very young, after getting into an argument with our parents. i never truly knew her at all. she doesn't sound like a very good person, though i know my parents aren't the best narrators when it comes to the past. either way, it was all i had to believe.

she emailed my father today, wanting to meet up. my father, through all his emotions, agreed. now, i have to see her this september. i dont know why, but it just makes me sad. maybe its the situation. its been about 15 years, since that argument. i watched it eat away at my parents for years. and only now, has something come to finally end this. it won't end this, however. my father is set, and i know there will be no apologies given. people don't heal from hurt after all, they just learn to forget about it.

it just makes me sad, seeing this situation unfold. it's not my own problem, yet, it reminds me of my problems. my oldest sister is almost 40 now. all this time wasted, and there won't be a resolution. she only wants to visit so she can take some belongings she left behind. everyone will be left hurting, and even though fake pleasantries may be said, the air in my apartment will still be seething with hatred the moment the day of her visit arrives. it'll probably be the last time i ever see her.

i dont know, it just makes me sad about living. so much time has passed, issues have festered, and my family has fallen apart. i'm really scared that my own problems will end up like this situation. i'm scared that i'll continue through life, bitter and tired, and that i'll die without a resolution. time will be wasted, regrets will be had, and at the end of it all, i won't even get a single apology from the people who hurt me. maybe i'll be too bitter to even take it, if they give me one. maybe there's no answer here because i'm just too ruined to be satisfied with any answers. i feel like i'm going crazy. i just don't want my life to be like that, even though i know it will be. i wish things were different, i really do.

finally have some energy to update this diary again. sorry for the break, ive mostly just been working on a few redesigns for some pages. i also just havent had much to write in here lately.

i always feel guilty when i dont have anything to say here, because i feel like i should. i dont know, i think im just not interesting enough to have something to say all the time. my lifes boring as hell. i dont really go places, i dont have a social circle, i dont have cool hobbies, none of that. the only thing i write about here is my own mentall illness. awesome.

maybe im just holding myself to dumb standards again, i just feel bad for not being as interesting as other people on neocities. i feel boring.

just a bit tired, ive been kinda out of it these past few days. just trying to relax, take a lot more time to myself. feels like i barely have time for myself anymore, im always caught up with something else. and when i do have free-time, i have so much i wanna do that i'm never able to get what i want done. its strange.

sometimes i resent this diary, there are times when it makes me feel like i'm some zoo animal to be gawked at. it's a strange feeling. i want to be seen beyond my pain, sometimes. i want to be seen as a person with problems, rather than problems with a person behind them. one too many times has someone tried to talk to me, and only to talk about what lies in this damn diary. i'm not a complex person, i'm not the philosophical type, and there are days where i can put aside my sadness. i may be a monster, but i'm still a person, and some people don't know how to separate that. i already dislike talking to others, anyway.

people are so exhausting, i wish they could go away, sometimes. it's so tiresome, having to care for things, or having to respond to others. i never know what to say, i don't want to say anything. some people only ever talk about themselves, others don't even know how to approach me. it's just easier to be alone, it's more fun, it's a lot more freeing. it means i don't have to worry about even more expectations. it means i don't have to feel even more worthless by watching others shove themselves into my life. i've never really had a meaningful bond with anyone, and i doubt i ever will at this point. it's not what i care for anymore, i've grown past any loneliness i used to feel. it's not that i hate people, i've talked to some who i get along with, but they never stay. the people that stay in my life are the ones who i desperately want to push away. i think its just better for me to be a loner, right now.

maybe i've just grown too gloomy now. i always feel exhausted, or ready to just fall asleep. i haven't really felt bad though. i just feel a bit distanced.

feeling really down today. got into some shit with my family again, i hate it here.

i'm just really sick of how things are. i don't think i like interacting with people, i can never get through it without getting hurt. it doesn't matter what i say, or what i do right. i'll always be hurt, i'll always be an outsider, i'll never be good enough. that's how it's always been. there's always something wrong, and any praise i get is just fake, like throwing a treat to a dog after it follows your orders. i've always been treated like that, and by the people who should've loved me the most, no less.

i'm sick of always thinking about what i lack, how much of a weakling i am. things that are obvious to some seem out of reach to me, and the things people value the most mean nothing to me. there's always a disconnect whenever i talk to someone, a wall i put up that i just can't tear down. i was alone when this started, and i'll be alone when it ends. i've spent most of my life rotting inside rooms, kept from the world, while the people around me only fought and ranted about conspiracy theories. i can't help but ask, what was it all for?

i just feel very unstable right now, like something's missing, like something's wrong, and it'll never be fixed. every time i think i've gotten up, i only fall again. i hate it, i really do.

just a short entry to catch up a bit. its been way too hot these past few days, and it is killing me. i really need to learn how to start wearing white. once again, the sun hates edgy bitches.

i feel like i should do more with this site again, but right now, i'm out of ideas for things to add. i don't really have any energy right now to work on something new anyway. i've always felt bad that i don't really have much on my site for people to come back to. its just my diary, and my poetry. oh well, maybe i'll get an idea later. i'm tired, i shouldn't have woken up this early.

its july now. i dont know, i dont have much to write here.

sometimes, i feel bad for talking about my depression so much here. i mean, i'm not sad all the time, probably. i wouldn't say i'm ever happy though, either. i don't want people to have the image that i'm some gloomy, spiteful bitch. but, when i think further on the idea, i always come to the conclusion that i am just a gloomy, spiteful bitch. it's strange.

i have days where i don't feel down, but i never have days where i feel up. or at least, i don't think so. but, when i experience the things i enjoy, i still feel some sense of satisfaction. i can still play a game and have fun, i can still listen to a song and have it resonate with me, i can still watch a show i like and get immersed in it's world. maybe i can feel happy, but it's just a situational thing.

if that's the case, it just makes me feel worse about my condition. it makes me feel like i'm some addict, clinging to my hobbies and my impulses just so i can feel something. feelings are complicated. i just don't want people to think i'm constantly sad. i'm not, probably.

yknow, i've been thinking on how i interact with others, lately. i just don't understand what's wrong with me, why i find it so hard to really care for people sometimes. i think i'm a lot more irritable nowadays, and whenever i catch myself slipping into that, i always end up feeling horrible, because that's not really who i want to be. i need more patience, i think.

but its hard to be patient, when you've lived the life i have. i just find it hard to fit in with anyone, or really relate to people. it's just tiring, talking to people, taking in their emotions, all of that shit. i don't know what it is, but i just work better by myself. i don't think i want total isolation, but i've noticed that i grow to dislike people more, the longer they stay around me. it's exhausting, having to force myself to feel empathy, and then struggle with the fact that i can rarely ever feel empathy.

the only consolation i have is that i'm not like this all the time. this loner attitude comes and goes, i just find it coming more often than i find it going. any need for connection i feel is usually just an impulse that quickly goes away. i'm sick of living like this. i don't like having to care about things.

had a weird dream, last night.

all i remember is that i got into a knife fight with someone, and i slashed their arm. and somehow, that related to my reputation falling apart. i remember opening my email, only to see hundreds of angry, hateful messages. i checked my site profile, and it was just the same. more hatred. and somehow, i knew that it was all justified. i did something wrong, and i was facing the consequences of it.

that's all i remember. i dont believe in dreams holding any "meaning" in someones life, but i do think they can say a lot about a person's thought process. im not sure what was in my head that couldve given me such a scenario, but it definitely fucking shook me up. i remember waking up soon after, in the middle of the night, just breathless and shaking. it was pretty scary.

just been feeling very tired, very down, very depressed today. a lot of it just has to do with some of the shit thats been happening lately, i guess. it just generally brings me down. i think im also a bit retrospective again. i feel like looking up at the sky, listening to soft music, and just thinking on things for a bit. it's what i was doing before i started writing this, actually.

maybe i'm just rambling again.

last night, i talked to someone, from that friend group i mentioned a few entries ago. they approached me, wanting to catch up. we talked for a small bit, and it was odd. i kept my distance, and tried not to say too much to them. i let them know a few small things that happened in my life, before ending the conversation. i felt a strange sense of bitterness, yet renewal, when i talked to them. from their words, it seems like that group hasn't changed much in the 2 years since i had been gone. it makes me a bit happy, knowing that i've changed more than they have. i have no plans of returning to them.

last night, i also heard my neighbor abusing her child. it scared me, shook me up a bit. i could hear everything, the crying, the beating, the screaming, all of it. i havent heard noises like that in a long time. it made me reflect on what happened. even after all these years, i still get skittish when i hear the simple sound of a slap. i still flinch when someone raises their hand, or gets too close to me. i still stand in the corner of the room, scowling in disgust, whenever i hear my father mention how bad an abuser he saw on the news is. it still effects me, and i dont expect it not to.

i still miss my dogs. i can still hear what sounds like their paws on my floor, sometimes. but when i look over, nothing's there. i hate my mother, i hate my sister, and yet, i do miss them. my mother's been out of my life for over 2 years now. she's probably dead by now. my sister's still gone as well, i wouldnt be surprised if she died too, considering the area she ran to. its hard to deal with.

i dont know where im going with this, i think i just, felt the need to write something. sorry if i seem a little disconnected right now, im just tired. i just cant get this out of my head.

i forgot its summer now, because holy fuck, it is hot today. i had to go shopping today, and i wanted to fucking die. i already hate the few times i have to go outside, and now it's even worse. i felt like i was fucking melting. this is what i get for only wearing dark colors. the sun hates edgy bitches.

other than that, still just getting by. i'm tired, my head kinda hurts, and i really wanna be left alone today. no talking, no people, just me and my laptop. as it fucking should be.

idk, i feel like i should be doing more with this site again, but idk what. ill probably just make a few more small, uncategorized projects. i wanna like, actually engage with html as a language for once. like, im not really that deep into coding and tech shit, or whatever. i dont know all that nerdy shit, i know the basics, and thats it. makes me feel like i should do more, or some shit. oh well, im too tired to bother with it rn.

feeling a bit better today, i was able to just cool off a bit. im still not the best i could be, but, i never am, so its fine.

i just have a lot of stuff on my mind still, a lot of complicated stuff that im not too comfortable talking about. i just dont feel like who i want to be, im still not who i wanna be. theres just something wrong again.

im not in the mood to write another long, sad entry here though, so thats probably all i'll say about this right now. im just tired, i almost went all of yesterday without eating, and i just feel like shit lol. my legs are also like, really fucking sore. idk why.

im just pissed off this morning. not doing very well. i dont know if im ever doing well anymore.

got into an argument with my father. or rather, he picked a fight with me, and started tearing into me over some petty shit. i dont wanna get into the details, but it wasnt justified.

its situations like these that just set me back, yknow. i cant help but feel that nothing has changed. i'm 18 now, i have more responsibilities, and there are days when i feel like im carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. yet, no matter how much i grow, i'll never be more than just an object to the world around me. something to be used, for whatever purpose is needed. my father needed a punching bag for his anger, and he chose me. the same way he always has.

it was the same with the rest of my family, it's the same with anyone i associate with, it's the same with random strangers. i'm nothing, and i'll never be something, because i can't adapt to the cruelty around me. i can't get over my grudges, my own past, all i can do is forget it for just a little bit. but it always comes back, it's always there, and this morning is proof of that. it was a reminder, something to set me straight.

i can drown myself in any pleasure i can find, i can focus my efforts on grief and use it to cover my eyes, i can give myself out to anyone who wants me, but i'll always be in the same place i've been in since i was a child. i'm a toy, and maybe i just needed to be reminded of that today. that things aren't okay, that things won't change, at least not for a while. i think i just grew too cocky, i thought i was starting to move past some pain, even though i've been suffering these past few weeks.

i never made any progress, i'm not capable of that. i'm just stuck as myself, and i really fucking wish i wasn't. i don't even know what i did wrong, i know what i said, and i tried to do the right thing. but i still got burnt for it, and it makes me wonder why i even try to fix things. my wounds won't heal, so all i want to do now is let them rot. it's really damn tiresome.

the people who rely on you the most will be the first ones to hurt you. i know that rule well, and i pretend that i put it into action constantly. i don't. i'm just some naive bitch who can't even bother to learn from mistakes. i just keep doing the same thing, over and over, only to feel hurt and angry when i get the same result as last time. i never changed at all.

feeling a bit better, i guess. i still miss her, but i'm getting over things, slowly. itll be alright.

i had a dream last night, where i met back up with an old friend group i had. it was strange, really. i remember being very distant with them in that dream, only to find out they had done something horrible in the time since i had left. it was just weird.

i think about that group a lot sometimes, its strange. i was a very different person when i met them. much more innocent, i think. i was just always in a very vulnerable state, always searching for myself, and some level of acceptance. i had convinced myself then that i had to be the one, true, definitive version of me. i didn't understand myself, and to an extent, i still don't.

so, i clung onto these people, even though i shouldnt have. some were selfish, some held some questionable beliefs, others were just obnoxious. i don't think i ever felt like i fit in with them, i was always the black sheep of the group. they kept me around, but when things got serious, or when a cheap laugh was required, i'd be the punching bag. still, i did whatever i could to fit in with them. i said some horrible things, thought some horrible thoughts, betrayed my own morals just for a quick joke. it was an odd dynamic.

still, i could sense that some of them had some genuine care for me. i don't know if id call them real friends, still. i had good times, but they were ultimately more shallow than not. when they were nice to me, i couldn't help but feel like they were coddling me, almost. they were. i was the fragile, gloomy, depressed outcast of the group. i wasn't a person, just a whore by day, and some traumadumping loser by night. i was too open with them, maybe. i dont know what my point is here.

i dont want to return to that group. i ran away from them, i got tired of how i was treated, and i got tired of the person i was back then. i've been mostly alone ever since, drifting between shallow groups and individuals that i quickly throw away. i don't think i've ever formed a genuine relationship with someone.

i dont know why i had that dream, why im even talking about this situation. i've already written about these people, why should i waste another diary entry on them? im not sure. i just feel oddly retrospective right now, its strange. i feel like i'm ready to go back to sleep.

ive been getting by, i guess. just trying not to think about things. its weird, sometimes, i feel like i just cant feel anything about it. its so strange.

but then, just when i'm not thinking about her, something will make me remember. it just makes me break a little. i remember yesterday, i could've sworn i heard her paws on my carpet, just hours after she was gone. i rushed out to the hallway, and i didn't see her. she wasn't there, and she'll never be there again. it hurts.

i can function through this. i'm not completely torn up over this. i just miss her, and i can't get her out of my head. that dog was one of my best friends, and i'll never get to see her again. i'll never watch her run around my room, i'll never pet her soft fur, i'll never get to see her claw at my legs for attention. it's over now.

i think i've been getting through this well, mostly. i expected this to leave me in pieces, but instead, i just feel a little more empty now. i really just miss her.

ive talked a lot about all of my problems piling onto me lately. one of them finally left today, i guess. its just sad.

my last dog finally died today. she had been sick for the past week, and it was driving me insane. i was terrified of losing her. she meant everything to me, she was always there for me, she always kept me comforted. whenever anything happened, i could turn to her, and she would calm me down. every time i held her in my lap, every time she would bite and play with her blankets, every time she looked up at me with those sparkling, curious eyes. it kept me grounded, after everything that's happened to me. she made me feel safe.

just like my dog before her, i watched, as that spark in her eyes went out. she spent what little time she had this morning, just laying stiff in her bed, twitching in pain. i couldn't save her, i couldn't even do anything. i just watched, and held her, and cried. the least i could do was be there for her, the same way she was always there for me.

i don't really have any deep things to say on the matter. not even any unstable rantings, like last time. i just miss her. i fucking miss her. i've lost all three of my dogs now, and i just want them back. i really fucking miss them.

i just don't feel like doing much today. i wanna stay by myself, and just think. i knew this would happen, i knew this would be my last year with her. but it still fucking hurts, and i can't get it out of my head. i'm not crying anymore, but my body just feels weak, and i just feel dead. i could see the pain in her eyes, the fear, everything. she couldn't even stand, or move, or do anything. she was just laying there, shaking. and i couldn't save her. i feel like i let her down, maybe.

i'm just not doing good today. i miss her. i really fucking miss her.

i just feel really down tonight. im not doing good. i feel weak, i feel stressed, and tired, and im ready to pass out and fall asleep.

i just feel really regretful today. a lot of bad things are happening at once, and its making me do a lot of reflection. i cant help but feel helpless, like for the past three years, ive been watching my life fall apart right before my eyes. its so tiresome.

i'm scared of loss, yknow. its just terrifying, due to how much ive gone through it. yet, im losing so much, and i know ill only lose more as time goes on. its sad, and it just makes me unable to even think clearly sometimes. im paralyzed by fear, worried about everything, angry all the time. i cant keep on living like this.

i made a decision today that i regretted instantly. i refuse to go into details, but i feel bad for choosing this. i'll end it as soon as i can, but it makes me feel inferior. i feel so empty, so fucking dead.

im just scared, i think. scared of whats gonna happen now. i feel so fucking powerless, like everything i have is just gonna be ripped from me one way or another. hm.

not doing good this morning. last night was really stressful for me, idk if i wanna get into the details rn, its just been really weighing down on me.

feels like all my problems just sort of came together this morning, had to deal with everything at once. i got reminded of some shit i didnt wanna think about, and now im honestly really fucking scared. seriously, this shit is fucking terrifying, and i dont like it. i just wanna go back to bed, this shit really fucking hurts sometimes. again, i wont go into details, but its really fucking serious, and it just brings me down.

i just feel cold, and weak, and my heads tired, and this shit is just unfair sometimes. i think i should just go cool down for a bit.

its summer now. well maybe not officially but like, its summer in my heart. fuck, the years already halfway through, i feel like im gonna die any minute!!

i dont have much to say rn, im just kinda tired. been trying to calm down lately, considering how stressful shits been lately. this whole confession thing isnt the only thing i have to deal with, i just dont feel comfortable about talking about the other things. at the very least, i just told that person i needed more time, and left it at that. i have no plans on doing anything else, really. im just tired, tbh.

i wanna get started working on some more experimental pages tbh, but idk if i have the coding skill required for some of my ideas. idk. maybe this is just impulse getting to me again. oh well, i already have a few ideas on shit i could make. itd be kinda fun, i guess.

im just feeling worn out, i just wanna like, crawl into bed and cuddle into my blankets. and then like, never leave for the next 8 weeks. idk, i just need the time to cool down.

fuck, two entries in one day. has that happened before?? probably not. idk. fuck it. im just so tired.

remember that person from like 2 entries ago??? the one on the 29th. yeah that one. yeah im just really fucked with that. i dont know if im certain that i dont reciprocate anything anymore, but im still not sure what i feel. i feel so fucking tired and panicked and i just wanna lay down and forget this shit ever happened. this is fucked up, i fucking hate people.

they asked me out upfront. confessed to me, full-on, just said everything to me. its tiresome. what the fuck do i say, im scared. i got angry, i started shaking, i was violent as fuck. i fucking snapped, i felt like breaking their heart and i still feel that way. why do i wanna hurt them. why do i wanna kill them. what the fuck is happening to me??? like actually??

im just very fucked up rn. like, a lot. really fucked up. i hate this, i wish i had never gotten involved with this person. i dont wanna let them down, but i dont wanna be this indecisive whore anymore, but i wanna play villain, but i wanna break their heart, but i want to be in love with them. its fucking hard and cruel and i hate myself for this confliction, i feel like a fucking monster. my first instinct to a confession was murder, and now im musing about whether or not i wanna fucking leave this person crying. i almost said yes to them based off a fucking coin flip, how far have i fallen.

im scared, i dont know what to do. i dont wanna turn them down, but i dont wanna say yes. im tired of thinking about this.

ignore that last entry. it sucks. im talking about other shit now.

im kinda tired, my apartment had an inspection today. i spent like the past 3 days fucking cleaning, just for these bitches to show up and hang around for 2 minutes. i feel like an idiot, fuck

ill be honest, i dont know what i was gonna write here. i started off kinda pissed, i was gonna write about like, neocities drama or whatever. then i dropped that, decided i was gonna write about my feelings on this website, and then i dropped that because i cant bother to think of anything interesting to say. i just wanna like, be left alone, go to sleep or some shit, idk.

work on that new shrine has been postponed, so i might just fuck around and make some more experimental kind of pages for now. itd be neat.

just been feeling really moody lately, got into some complicated shit recently, idk if i'll talk about it. fuck it, i dont have much else to say.

tldr i got caught up in more relationship drama bullshit. another person reached out to me, and now theyre gonna learn why they really fucking shouldnt have. just another person, with a crush on me, for absolutely no reason. i dont know what i do to attract this shit, is my personality really that attractive?? i hope not because i am a fucking mess

im not sure what to do at this point. theyre into me, they've made that known to me, and i really dont wanna deal with these complications again, especially not this soon after the last time. its so fucking tiring, i wish i could move at my own pace just once in my life. i dont know if i should reciprocate anything, because right now, i dont, and i feel like shit because of it. i dont wanna hurt them, i dont wanna turn them down, but im sick of playing prostitute. unfortunately, that's the only option i can see right now. i know it won't lead to a happy ending, but fuck, maybe i can make it lead to a neutral one this time. i don't know. this is just fucking stupid.

this person is an okay person, theyre nice, but i didnt ask for them to be in my life. im not even sure why they feel this way, theyve only spoken to me sporadically over the course of a week. this rush and pressure is starting to get on my nerves. im not even sure how to speak to them now, but i'd avoid them if i didn't know it would only hurt them.

ive decided so far that i'll handle this the same way i always do. i'll wait for their love to die, i'll keep my distance while giving the appearance of the opposite. i'll break their heart. i'm just sick of this scenario playing out over and over. i thought relationships were easier than this.

maybe im just tired, but i feel like i dont wanna do anything anymore. my eyes feel heavy as fuck, im shaking, my bodys cold, and my head is killing me. i hate this shit, i wish i could just let these fucking thoughts rest

i feel neglected, worthless, like my feelings and time dont matter. they dont. the past few years have just been nothing but a slog, and i still cant figure out whether or not i feel anything. after all this time, im still mourning, but i couldnt care less at the same time. its like my head just gets torn apart sometimes, it makes me sick. i have to just listen to constant reminders of everything, i never heal, i never get time to heal. its always more words, more stress, more people, more emotions, i just wish i could run out with a knife and cut away my own problems. im sick of simple words just ruining my day, i wish id stop having these shitty intrusive thoughts. its always violence, or sadness, or identity, or some other worthless shit i dont have time to consider. im scared of it, i feel lower than ive ever been, but normal at the same damn time.

i feel like im going in circles, yknow. every day feels the same, with the same routine, the same people, the same room, everything. after all this time, 18 years, i find it weird that i still dont really have control of my own life. its just a little maddening, sometimes.

everyone says and does the same things. every day goes the same way, down to the fucking weather. im stuck i guess, stuck in constantly feeling dissatisfied. i feel tired, a bit worthless again. i just feel like repeating to myself, over and over, that im not a good person. im not. i wanna go to sleep and shut everyone out, i already do it anyway. i wanna sleep, fuck. im tired of talking, i dont wanna see people say the same things, i dont wanna see people rope me into being their therapist. sometimes it makes me violent, i cant help but feel like tearing down the world. i wont. i want this feeling of tiredness to just be over.

wow, i finally updated this pages layout. only took like 2 fucking months lol

i dont have much to say this time, im kinda bored, did some stupid impulsive shit recently, typical shit. i just get silly like that sometimes

ok in all seriousness i guess i do still feel kinda down from the shit i wrote about earlier. idk, i dont wanna talk about it much, because i have nothing original to say about it. its just still kinda there, that feeling of something being wrong. i dont feel bad though, i actually feel kinda good today. idk, lifes just weird like that. oh well, now i have to get back to work on another shrine, fuck

im not sure why, but i feel a lot of self-loathing this morning. i always feel that sort of stuff, but it just feels especially bad today. idk why, its like i just cant stop reflecting on how worthless i seem. im just sitting here, at 6 in the morning, doing nothing but fucking around on a laptop. i feel tired, i feel desperate even, my hairs in my eyes because this screen fucking hurts to look at, im just disappointed in myself rn. man.

idk, its whatever. i just cant really shake this feeling rn.

been a while huh. ive just mostly been working on minor things here and there, feeling bored and tired a lot. had to go to a hospital recently for more business but other than that, not much has happened to me in my daily life i guess

one thing has been going on though, but idk if id call it my daily life. more like personal life?? is that a thing??? fuck it, it is now

tldr i met someone, i guess. someone who was into me, i think?? idk, i met them at the start of this week, they were already flirting with me by the time we started talking. i didnt know how to take it, but they thought my shyness was cute, and it only pushed them more. it boiled over to the point that three days after meeting, they basically confessed to me. i didnt know how to react, and i wanted to say no, but i didnt want them to hurt, so i told them to wait.

i never felt anything for them, nothing beyond intrigue, i guess. it wasnt anything serious to me, but it was at the same time. as shy and broken as i was, i still found myself going back for that affection, trying to squeeze out as much as i could. every look, every gesture, every innuendo, it was fucking addicting.

but i never had plans to make this go farther. i wanted them to leave me alone, but i know they wouldve been hurt had i said it to their face. ive been in this situation before, too uninterested to pursue anything, but desperate for a happy ending where no one is hurt and i can stay comfortable, by myself. i always tell them to wait for an answer, and nothing ever comes, while they slowly fall out of love. despite my desire to make things end neatly, i still want their occasional attention, and i then feel burnt when they inevitably move past me. this has happened before. i dont want to hurt them, and i want them to leave me alone, but i just cant help but want to feel entertained.

simply put, i lead them on by instinct, and told myself that it was the right thing to do.

today, this person finally approached me about everything. not in a hostile way, just a casual, polite way. they told me their feelings for me died. they fell out of love. in less than a week, they went through a cycle most take years to go through. i wont question the ethics of that, but it did sting a bit, to be told it so casually. i never wanted this person, i felt absolutely nothing for them, and i wanted their feelings to die. and yet, when i heard those words, it hit somehow.

the last time this happened, i felt fine. i accepted it, nothing was different from this situation. im not sure why i feel awful now, of all times. i just know i feel that way. i cant help but think that somehow, somewhere, they caught my darker motives in this. they figured out my game, and i disappointed them. i was shy, i was quiet, i wanted them to be okay, and i didnt want to admit that i was just a slut reveling in the idea of someone, anyone, just saying something that could make me shiver. im just impulsive like that, i think.

i cant help but feel like a failure, someone who broke someones heart all for a feeling. im probably overthinking things, and i know i had good intentions somewhere, but just the concept scares me. i dont like knowing that even after all this time, i never changed. i still hurt people without thought, only to feel something after. why cant i care when it matters?? i couldve just told them no from the start, i wouldve saved time. but i whored myself out just so i could know what it felt like. and it makes me ashamed of myself.

i dont think theres a solution to this feeling, just the fact that i feel it now, and that it'll eventually pass soon enough. i already have other thoughts racing through my mind, i feel like im robbing this experience of meaning, just by thinking of it. its hard to describe, but its not pretty. i just think it's disgusting that even after all this talk about it, i think i'm already starting to move on. i broke someone's heart, and at least half of my personality could not care less.

at the very least, i did have good intentions there, as i said. i didnt want to reject them and make them hurt. i wanted this to happen. but i cant deny that selfish part of me, the one thats feeling this stinging emotion now. im happy they're gone, im happy things worked out the way i wanted, but im disappointed in myself for feeling such a level of sadism, even if it was a secondary motive. its almost disgusting, how two intentions on opposite sides of the moral spectrum, can lie in the same action. its fucked up, and i feel like a bitch.

im sorry for this entry being especially real, i guess. i usually reserve things like this to faint hints in my poetry, but i felt like talking about this for a bit. im not sure how i feel about it, i feel fairly good now. theres just a lot of dread i feel too, for some reason. whatever.

finally getting back to work on the site for the most part, im still working on a new shrine, and ive been touching up the main site here and there. i wanna make things a little more aesthetically interesting, i guess. idk. i'll probably even remodel this page soon. i had to change the guestbook too, since my old service is shutting down. rip

ive had some stuff on my mind lately, a lot of personal stuff. sometimes i still just feel like im not worthy of being as down as i am all the time, idk. its complicated, but it makes me feel like a fake, and i hate it. ive also had some more intrusive stuff on my mind, stuff i dont really wanna get into. its sad, lol

i feel really tired rn, kinda sleepy?? i really need to start fixing my sleep schedule

its may now, woohoo. isnt it weird how theres a whole month named after a guilty gear character?? wild.

not much going on, really. had to go to a hospital for some personal business yesterday, but other than that, still not much going on right now. i always feel bad, whenever i dont have any particular feelings to write about. its kinda what i rely on for diary entries, since my daily life just really isnt interesting. idk, makes me feel like im wasting time, or whatever. hm, im probably just overthinking things again.

im starting work on a new shrine, though. hopefully itll be done soon, idk. i wanna take my time with it, and just keep laying low for a bit. hmhm.

still mostly just focusing on myself rn. i still dont really have much ideas on what i wanna do with the site, but i might just start fucking around with making different page layouts, just to see what can i make out of them. idk, i just wanna see if i can try my hand at more recreational coding. ehh.

had to go outside for some business today, ended up standing in the rain for like 2 hours. smh. i also started a replay of final fantasy 7 a few days ago, sort of to tie-in with ff7 rebirth coming out. i forgot how much i love this game.

other than that, i still dont really have much going on rn.

sorry for the lack of big updates, i just dont really have too much i feel like doing with this site rn. dont have many ideas, or much of a motivation to code, i guess. idk, ive been focusing on mostly other hobbies, or just relaxing. i know theres only so much i can do with this site, but i always feel bad whenever im not tending to it somehow. idk.

i have some ideas for smaller pages that dont really do much, but in terms of full-fleshed things, i cant think of much. that being said, maybe i dont have to make much. this site is essentially a glorified diary anyway, i guess.

on a side note, theres actually a cherry blossom tree right outside my window. it was dead for like, all of winter and fall. its really blooming now though, and i like it. its pretty, makes me feel like theres actually something to look at out there, besides shitty apartment buildings.

sorry for the lack of big updates, i just dont really have too much i feel like doing with this site rn. dont have many ideas, or much of a motivation to code, i guess. idk, ive been focusing on mostly other hobbies, or just relaxing. i know theres only so much i can do with this site, but i always feel bad whenever im not tending to it somehow. idk.

i have some ideas for smaller pages that dont really do much, but in terms of full-fleshed things, i cant think of much. that being said, maybe i dont have to make much. this site is essentially a glorified diary anyway, i guess.

feeling a lot better, tbh.

yknow, i feel kinda guilty whenever i neglect this site. like, i always feel like i should be working on it, somehow. ehh, its just kinda draining. i dont really have any ideas on what to do or put here for now, so ive mostly just been taking a bit of a break again. feels nice to just rest for a bit, with no interruptions or worries. its a luxury i wont always have, so i'll value it now, i guess.

im also just feeling kinda sleepy, maybe. even writing this is a bit tiring. i should go to sleep earlier

not a lot to say here, tbh. idk, ive been trying to do some work here and there. im just tired again

if anything i feel kinda sick tbh. i just really havent been feeling it today, my heads kinda light, and my legs feel sore for some reason. hopefully its nothing, i really dont wanna be sick rn. oh well, its still relatively early, so hopefully ill feel better by the end of the day.

some days i still feel a little inferior, when i work on this site. like im just creatively stuck here, not able to go in any other directions. i dont know if thats really the case, but i cant help but feel like that, sometimes.

like, it makes me put into perspective how uninteresting i really am, maybe. i don't really have much to write about on this site, other than just diary entries, and the occassional poem or shrine. a lot of people use their websites to talk about deeper things. philosophies, politics, social stuff, all that shit. i dont have thoughts on that kinda stuff, so i cant really do that well. im just sort of stuck, writing about mundane things in my life, and weird feelings i feel.

idk, maybe im just looking at things a little too judgingly, again. i need to let go for once, i guess. im trying to. its just a slow process, really.

its odd, this cycle i go through sometimes. i'll spend a good few minutes, thinking about how bad or worthless this site is. and then, i'll go to check on it, and my thoughts just turn around. things start looking a little better, and i begin to feel like i'm not wasting time after all. if only other things could be this easy.

idk, i dont have much to say here. once again, i just felt the need to write something. maybe thats what expressing yourself is about. you do it when you want to, not because you have to. pretty cool.

feeling a little better, tbh. i dont know, i guess i was able to walk this one off quickly.

i still feel kinda pissed when i think about what happened, but im not as down about it as before. other than that, i dont have much to say rn. idk, i guess i just wanted to write here. ive been thinking a lot about my future as well lately. still havent made any good conclusions as to what i wanna do with like, anything, but its fine. i have to remember to pace myself.

i have a few things i wanna do with the site, might make another shrine soon. idk. q&a section might be coming soon too, but i wanna save that for like, some kind of milestone. idk, maybe when i hit 150k views. itd be funny.

tbh, im kinda bored rn.

just trying to cool down right now, i guess. yesterday was pretty rough for me, i thought about a lot of things i shouldnt have thought about, and i heard a lot of things i really didnt wanna hear. i wont discuss the details, but i at least feel a little better.

i just feel like i keep falling, like theres no reason to just live anymore. i keep doing it, though. i have no reason not to, anymore. i think thats a better choice than the alternative, when you feel like a failure.

oh well, i have been feeling relatively good today, even if i seem kinda down here. i just need to blow off some steam.

i just feel a little pressed, somehow. kinda reflective on things. i feel like im just going nowhere, emotionally. like, after all this time, i still havent gotten to conclusions about certain things. i still havent outrun my past, or any pain i feel. im just stuck in it.

i feel like i cant even put this into words, without straying across random topics, and making no sense. idek if i make sense right now, im tired thinking of it. i dont like talking to people anymore, because most of them bring out the worst in me. they remind me of things, they annoy me, or they say something they shouldnt have said. i feel myself growing more impulsive, complacent, risky, reckless, just dreadful. im always tired, sad, or angry. idk why.

i dont even know if anything im saying is true, or if its just me talking. i dont know, i just feel like i have to say this, sorry. i dont wanna be labeled or mistreated, i just wanna find some sense of closure for things, maybe. every time i think i move forward, i go back twice as much. its boring, i feel like some bitch being used. im not sure by what, though. or rather, i dont wanna say what.

its weird, yknow. sometimes, you can go a whole day feeling good, only to be brought down at the last second. its strange how words effect us.

i was planning to go into things, but honestly, i dont really want to right now. its just some draining shit again, words i didnt wanna hear, the usual. its always the same, wrong for me, but right for everyone else.

im just not really feeling it anymore, i guess.

been trying to take a bit more time to myself, lately. just trying to lay low, relax a little. feels like i just made things more complicated though, somehow.

i dont know, these past few days have been pretty laid back. not much happening, not many thoughts to give. its going by a little quick, to be honest. maybe too quick. idk, it just feels like times a lot faster now. probably just some perception thing, though.

i still feel a little empty, but im not sad, nor do i feel bad to be honest. just kinda drained. i dont think its due to my mood, or anything. its been a long day, a long few weeks, and im no doubt drained and sleepy. i just wanna be left alone, and rest for a little. i wanna take my time right now.

here it is. i'm 18 now, cool. i can now legally get fucked in most countries. awesome.

in all seriousness, i just feel kinda empty about it. i dont feel like an adult, yknow? just a bitch whos still 17. i always did think 18 was a bit too young to be considered an adult. youre just outta highschool, with no fucking clue on what to do or where to go. or at least, thats where im at. kinda annoying, ngl.

i just have to wonder if im really ready for any future ahead, because its never gonna be easy, and i dont know if im willing to take those risks. ive grown too conflicted, too ruined. not like i have a reason to die, though. thats why i always just chose to live instead.

like, seriously, where do i go from here?? i have genuinely no fucking clue. nothing appeals to me anymore, whatever life ahead that i can think of just sounds like a boring, lonely slog. i dont wanna live like that, like some side-character. i know i dont deserve much, i know im a horrible person, but i at least want the privilege of getting to live how i want to, not how i have to. or at least, in a worldly sense.

i just still, after all this time, cant be satisfied. i guess its ironic, that i have such a relationship with life. i'm never good enough for others, and others are never good enough for me. maybe i've grown to be just like them. i dont know anymore.

theres always just something holding me back, something unavoidable, incomprehensible to me. it scares me to talk about it. maybe i wont.

whatever happens, i think i can get through it now. i just dont know if i want to, but i dont know how to avoid it either. i cant blend into something else, nor can i go with it and embrace the future. im just stuck here, living in the present, with no real reason to look forward. maybe i am just a social failure, whatever.

it's weird though, i don't feel sad right now. just a bit lost, or maybe introspective. nostalgic, even. it's weird, knowing that i'm an adult now. or am i really one? maybe i'm still just a teenager. i don't know, really. i just wanna go back for a bit, when things were more simple, where i could get hurt and i wouldn't even know how to cry. days i miss, really. it's sad, but again, i don't feel sad. it's a strange feeling, like looking up at the sky, and not feeling anything but distance. like you're so far from home, yet so close at the same time. maybe i just wanna go back to bed.

would you look at that, two days left before i turn 18. damn. honestly its kinda disheartening

i feel like ive lost touch, yknow? with myself, that is. like, im not who i used to be, and im not who i wanna be. its hard to even talk now, its just so draining a lot of the time.

i feel like im not prepared to be an adult, really. i have no ambition, no skills, and i feel like adult life would just bore the fuck out of me anyway. great, i get to be a slave to capitalism, with no free time, and all that. its what you have to do to live, but thats the thing. i dont know if i know what living is yet, let alone if i wanna endulge in what everyone's idea of living is. is it really that different from dying? not sure.

i just feel that no matter whats ahead, i'll be unhappy, and alone. probably not, maybe im just overthinking, but i cant see anything else happening. theres too many things in the way for me to really believe that i'll ever be successful. i feel like i was born to fail.

maybe im just worried too much, or going too fast again. i just dont know if i even want anything anymore, or if im even fit to exist. i feel like i just counter everything expected of a decent person. i always miss something, i just hope its okay by the time this settles lol

i still have a lot of yesterday on my mind, i still feel scared to be honest. i just dont really wanna do anything right now. i feel tired, burnt out, lost, all of that.

it just feels like a lot has happened. too much. ive lost too much, and its starting to become unmanagable. thats just what it feels like, at least. theres so much ahead that i just cant take control of, too many things that i know i'll fail at, or lose. i dont even know if i have enough time left to experience it. its just confusing, i guess.

its draining, its all i can think about for the most part. its a feeling thats always there, one that'll just get worse and worse as this goes on. i just hope it stops before it does, i really do. i think it will, but i feel like im faltering.

been a while, huh. still going strong, i guess. not really. im just tired, a lot.

shit happened today, serious shit. i wont talk about the details, but i just feel so drained by it. i feel like apologizing to someone, this feels like my fault. like, i did this. i hope its not my fault, but it really feels like it.

yeah, i know im not the best person out there. im awful, im a liar, ive done and said horrible things that i can never take back. but i feel like i would lose too much if this went south. i dont think it will, i have one reason to think so. im just a little scared.

but i think itll be okay, probably. i have to remind myself that i've gotten this far. ive taken back some words, i dont wanna be alone anymore.

not really doing good. i just feel scared, alone, like a burden. i got told something today i really didnt wanna hear, and its just been ruining me.

its strange, being called a waste of time, something that ultimately doesnt matter. i never really thought of myself like that. i didnt think i was one. but i am. my own father spent a good bit of my morning telling me that. what a joke. i knew i shouldnt have tried to get close to people.

i think i need to put limits on myself now. i feel tired, sleepy, and exhausted. im just an object, a tool. i dont feel like i deserve anything anymore.

i need a break.

first entry of spring, wow. still feels like the year just started. gotta say, im feeling pretty good for once, idk.

ive been very burnt out on this website lately. i dont have much ideas, and ive been starting to worry about a lot of shit. like, i felt blocked, or like i was just spinning my wheels. i felt inferior, i guess. like this site was just some trashheap that wasnt even worth my time or anyone elses. maybe it still is, but tbh, that doesnt bother me anymore, i think.

i think a lot of my burnout came from rushing myself. i felt pressured i guess, by some notion that other people were pressuring me. in reality, no one did that when it comes to this. ive been running this website at my own pace for the entire time ive had it, i was just working as if that wasnt the case. i think i just need to take a moment to appreciate things more. maybe slow down a bit, take some time for other things i enjoy.

i need to care more about actually enjoying myself, or else, this hobby will just become work. i dont want that to happen.

i feel like im living in the shadow of something, yknow? like i'm just perpetually stuck behind something else. i'm not sure how or why, it's just a feeling i get.

its a strange feeling, i dont really know how to describe it. maybe its the past, the present, the future, maybe its just nothing. i feel like no matter what, theres always something that keeps me in check. it reminds me why i cant live, maybe. theres one that could be holding me down, but im afraid to acknowledge it as such.

i think these thoughts came on after seeing people go through it themselves. associates, my own family, basically everyone i can't stand to be near. i've yet to see any example of healing, and so, i have no reason to believe in it. hurt is just something that holds you down forever, and while some learn to live with it, others can't rip it from their minds to save their own lives. i'm not sure which category i fit into anymore.

maybe i'm just growing too cruel of a person. life is complicated, i'm not sure if i wanna deal with that anymore. i can fuck around and lie all i want, but at the end of the day, i'm still stuck with a series of problems that i just can't bother to think about anymore. makes me feel lazy to admit, but i can't help but have lapses like this, i think. i'd say i'm only human, but people have told me otherwise, so i think i'll just leave it at that.

i'm looking at what i just fucking wrote, and i feel like i blacked out writing it. i need to get some work done.

lately, ive been getting pushed a lot. i dont wanna talk that much about what happened, but it made me think a little, i guess.

sometimes i get worried that what i feel or what i think isnt justified, if that makes any sense. that i have no right to feel this down all the time. i still dont really find myself happy most of the time, but i feel guilty about it sometimes, as if i should be happy. as if i should just sweep everything under the rug, because to an outsider, things aren't as bad as they were. but i still get hurt, people still repeat their actions, and it makes me wonder if it really is better. i dont know if im making sense here, i feel like im not.

tldr, i feel like some loser, whos just faking this with no reason. that idea scares me, because it means that everything i feel right now, is just some lie i cant even understand. its fuckin scary tbh. i dont like it. i know i have reason, i know what did this to me, but sometimes it just feels like i have to defend my own right to be hurt. its hard to describe.

i just dont think i know myself well enough. its kind of a weird feeling, i guess. i have to stand through every day, watching my own abusers smile and laugh, and try to convince me that it's all over now. i know damn well that it's not over. they always go back to their old ways, it's a pattern that always repeats. they're nothing to put my trust in, if that makes sense. idk, i feel fuckin tired.

you ever get the innate urge to just fuck up your life? to give up all reason, and just do shit for the fun of it? i have that feeling a lot. just violent urges, i guess. against me, or things, or people, i dont know. maybe ill just go through with it, do some crazy shit for no reason. maybe like, get addicted to some shit off the street or something, see how i live with it. maybe go burn down a house or some shit, sleep around with people and see what happens. idk, i know thinking this shit is dumb. i just cant help it, i guess. sometimes, i just wanna destroy myself, and everything around me. it's fun, really. i wouldnt go through with it though. im not that bitchy.

idk, im probably just rambling again. i should take a nap.

well, hope you idiots had a good valentines. i know i didnt, i dont celebrate it. not because im single. actually no yeah it is because im single, fuck.

i todays been kinda boring so far, yesterday was boring too. just the usual, people get on my nerves, i get tired, idk. i guess one thing sort of has been bothering me?? kinda??

basically, i have this ringing in my ears, that ive had ever since i was a kid. it was probably caused by some negligence on my parents part, since i was exposed to some pretty loud noises back when i was too young to have that. im talking like, music blasting through the house. it was fucking stupid, and i hold a bit of resentment towards it. its a reason why i stayed away from things like music for the longest time.

lately, the ringing has just gotten to me, i guess. it's sort of like, a haunting thing, kinda. its just making me a little frenzied, i guess. i dont wanna hear it anymore, its getting to me, a lot. last night before i fell asleep, i was just sort of like, scratching at my pillow, trying to drown it out. usually its fine, and i can ignore it, but it gets loud when nothing else is making noise. i hate it a lot. its fucking awful, i just want some silence, but im scared of actual silence now because i dont wanna be left with this fucking ringing. its just a harsh reminder of how fucked up i am, to me.

its like a lot of my problems. something deeply rooted, something that started in the past, and something that cant be changed. ive done some small research on this shit, and it looks like theres no cure. im stuck with this fucking noise for the rest of my life, and it makes me wanna drill holes into my own damn ears. im sick of this shit, it feels like torture, just a constant taunt of how some things can never be fixed. maybe im reading into it too much, maybe its only this bad because i attach it to those feelings, but fuck do i want it to end. i feel like im going crazy every time i start to hear it, my hands get shaky, and all i can do is just try and make any constant noise i can to distract myself from it. its like a lot of my problems, always there, never changing, and im always trying to avoid it. i feel like a freak.

i'll be honest, i feel kinda inadequate sometimes, owning this site. like, im not really interesting of a person, i feel like i dont really deserve all this attention somehow. idk. like, i dont really have any skills, or a cool life, or anything deep to say. idk. i just really feel like i dont deserve much, and its kinda fucked up, i guess.

fuck it, maybe i should just talk about my daily life more, or something. not like much goes on in my daily life. i feel like if i spoke about it here, i'd be embarrassed, or feel like i'm talking about people behind their back. i have things i could and want to say about the people in my life, but i know it'd be harsh, and cold. i don't really like most people around me, they make me feel alone, i guess. like i'm an object.

i know someone who almost every time i talk to them, it feels like im being pressured to listen. theres always something wrong with them, and im always the one they turn to. its tiring, even if its not technically their fault. it just feels one-sided, like i wouldnt be able to do the same. i probably cant, anyway. theyve already expressed to me that they see my problems as lesser than theirs, as if im just some sort of poser. i dont wanna talk about my issues to someone who actively minimizes them.

its a great example of why i feel so isolated, why i feel like such an accessory to most people. i dread it, whenever they approach me. sometimes i wish they'd go away, or would follow up on all their constant threats of suicide. i know that's a cold and cruel way to look at it, but it's just tiring, being the sounding board for so many people, while i'm hurting too. deep inside, i feel like i don't really care for anyone, or myself anymore. i've been burned too much by all of them, and i know that shouldn't define the future, but i can't really help feeling it. i just feel like i wanna be alone nowadays, it's so draining.

i guess i just feel kinda bad too, for always writing downer stuff like this. i look at other people, writing about their lives, or just ideas and concepts. it's all so bright, so dazzling to me. all these beautiful people, with their lives, reveling in the glory they have now. meanwhile im just here, bitching about the usual like the unsatisfied whore i am. it makes me feel even more inadequate, like my life barely even counts as one. i just feel like i've done nothing, after all this time.

at the very least, ive been trying to see things more positively. im still brought down a lot, but, i try to remind myself that i dont really have a choice but to go through it. i doubt theres a bright future ahead of me, but at this point, i dont really have a reason to stop myself from reaching any future. i'm just trying my best to surrender to time, i guess. i still feel like im stuck in a cycle, but i'm starting to think that maybe it's one i dont mind being in. one i can survive, i guess. i dont know.

even then, i still feel inadequate. i shouldnt be this indifferent about living, but i cant really help it. its just pretty hard to care about things, to live the way you're told to. but i'll try, maybe.

not much to really say here, i guess. idk, its hard to keep a diary when most of my days are the same. nothing interesting happened today, nothing interesting happened yesterday, etc. its tiresome.

ive been trying to make my writing a little more positive, i guess. ive read it myself, and a lot of my stuff just makes me sound like a downer. i am, but i wanna add some nuance to my writing. maybe highlight things i take comfort in, however few they might be.

i just feel very exhausted, i guess. like somethings weighing me down. hell, its even a little hard to breathe rn. im not sure why.

well, its finally february. thats cool, i guess. i dont know, i dont really have much to say about it. the winters cold, i like it that way. still no snow, funnily enough. thought it would by now, but oh well.

i think i just feel dissatisfied with things again. like, everythings a social hierarchy, and im stuck at the bottom no matter what. people still push me around, get away with things i could never. i still dont really feel much positivity. and i still feel like an accessory to most. like people only keep around for what they want me to be. hell, a while back, someone straight-up told me they wanted me to be more "innocent". they said i was too edgy, or indifferent. yknow, just direct confirmation that here, people wont be satisfied with what you are. you have to be something else in order for anyone to love you, and i think im starting to resent that.

im probably wrong, or just going through another slump. but i wont force myself to be happy either, i cant really find many ways to do that anyway. i write what i want, so im learning how to do what i want too. i need to learn how to say no. i dont wanna be bossed around, i dont want people to talk to me just so they can talk about themselves. but i also know that despite all this, ill probably still fall back on my own word, and disappoint myself again. maybe i just need to pace myself more. just because im at my lowest, doesnt mean i have to rush for my highest. its a learning process, maybe.

i dont know, i just feel like im rambling, or something. like im being controlled, and i hate it.

havent really been feeling well today. idk, i just feel down today.

days like this usually have that sort of effect on me, i guess. dark, dreary, gloomy skies. its just boring. tiresome, monotonous, whatever.

i feel scared, today. scared that i did something wrong. im not sure why. i just feel especially isolated, and hated today. my chest has felt tight the whole day, ive gone in and out of sleep constantly, and it even got a bit hard to breath. idk, i just feel so drained. soulless, maybe.

i still feel it rn, its suffocating. i wish i could just crush this feeling. get over it, somehow. im not sure. im tired. i hope tomorrows better.

uh oh, looks like im starting to not feel good about myself again!! woohoo i love imposter syndrome

oh well, this is just a small entry for fun i guess. i feel a little down, but a little good too?? idk. i have energy for once, at least. i plan to maybe get a few big updates done soon, i wanna redo some more pages. im also super hyped about persona 3 reload finally releasing soon. i am gonna love that game.

not much else to say here, i think.

some days i just feel inadequate, i guess. like i dont even deserve the emotions i feel. like im not really worthy of always feeling it. idk.

its not that big of a deal, i guess. its just something that really bugs me. it really gets to me, and im not sure why.

i dont know, ive just been going through a bout of emptiness lately. then again, when am i not. i just feel like everythings ahead of me, and theres no hope of me catching up.

small update entry, nothing much going on. i dont wanna go into another introspective rant, since im tired, and kinda in a bad mood?? idk.

thinking of maybe taking a break, but every time i say that, i end up updating the site anyway. shits weird. oh well, i just kinda want some time off. i feel exhausted, yknow?? just very drained. its a lot of things, i think.

oh well, not a big deal, probably. im just a little burnt out.

i feel heavy, today. very heavy. just not in the mood for much.

the air's cold, the sky's dreary, it's all just tiring. winter's my favorite season for this very reason, and yet, i dread it every time it comes. pretty damn ironic. oh well.

i feel like breaking something, or rather, someone. im tired of the same routines, the same troubles, the same damn talks over and over. i want to hear something new. i wish people would take the hint, and stop getting in my way. its tiresome, having to talk, and talk, and listen, and act. its dreadful. its just hard, having to live life while playing by the rules. sometimes i just wanna bite back, tear down everything around me. but i cant. it's just always bothering me.

every word, every look, every syllable. it just feels boring. not my style, not something id ever want to be around. idk, maybe im just generally pissed off. i need something to blow off steam.

i just dont feel good today. maybe theres something at the back of my mind again. maybe its my sadism acting up. maybe i just dont care.

sometimes i feel like my life isnt mine, yknow?? idk, i just still have a lingering feeling that things arent how they should be. somethings wrong, but i cant tell what. i just look at the patterns of life around me, and i feel a little slighted. like, i dont know if this is ok.

the people around me have changed, somehow. or maybe ive changed. theyve grown into cycles, patterns, theyre predictable. i dont like that. theyre like shells of who they were, its so strange. its like they arent real.

my thoughts have changed. i feel small, yet confident. strong, yet vulnerable. theres an imbalance?? im not sure. its just a really weird feeling i get sometimes. im not who i wanna be, but i dont know what i wanna be. im just dissatisfied with myself, somehow. its something complicated. something i will never change.

i hate this feeling. ive talked about it before, but its just so suffocating. i can function, but its always at the back of my head, reminding me of something i just cant get. idk, maybe i just want a restart. i hope i dont. i really do. im not dissatisfied with life, i just feel lacking in myself. im the problem. its fine, i dont feel bad, i just dont feel right. somethings missing.

woo, first introspective entry of 2024. fuck it.

lately, ive been thinking about how i approach people. i think ive come to sort of a crossroads of it, if that makes any sense. like, i feel like ive changed somehow, but when i look at my behavior, i havent changed at all. im not any kinder, nor am i any more real with people who attempt to be close. im still as distant as ever, for the same set of reasons. its always either a fear of being hurt, a fear of hurting others, or a distinct lack of regard for others. my own coldness is what i feel like focusing on specifically, right now. its not like i hate people, or cant find interest in them. hell, theres people i wish i was close to. its just that the ones near me never seem to be enough. im too focused on my own ideals, i think.

i refer to people who fall under those categories as people i have to talk to. people who expect me to talk to them. people who feel entitled in one way or another that i should be as talkative or as accomodating as them. people who think they fully know me. shit like that. i think the main problem is that the people who often try to climb over my barriers, are people id rather stay away from. people who've hurt me before, people who are too focused on themselves, people who came to me out of impulse, people who expect me to be just like them. it feels like the only people i get along with, are the ones farthest away. the closer someone gets, the more i begin to hate them. mannerisms begin to annoy me, patterns show up that i dont like. its been that way for years, and i just cant get out of that cycle.

ive always feared being seen as an object. an accessory. and yet, with every bond that someone's tried to make with me, came a feeling of utter worthlessness. they wanted something they didnt get from me, i was cast for the wrong role. ive grown content with the fact that i cant please people. i dont want to anymore, i'll never be able to. i just dont know why nothing can please me, either. its not that big of a deal, im still fine with surface-level interactions, and i prefer to be alone most of the time. i just think this dilemma ive come to is an annoying one.

ive disassociated myself from many people, who otherwise tried to pull me in. some deserved it, some didnt. some i regret, some i never want to see again. it seems that whether its me reaching, or someone else, we both get hurt. i dont mind it, in some instances, i like seeing the other person suffer. i just find it strange. sometimes, i just find it so fucking hard to care for others, it makes me tired, and drained. i dont mind giving advice every now and then, but ive been situations where the only time someone ever talks to me is when they have problems, and it makes me feel small. i feel almost dehumanized, like i'm just an automated support system, for whenever some moron wants to rant about their childish issues to me again. forgive the scathing description, i'm just annoyed at the thought of it happening. it makes me feel dizzy.

i dont need a solution to any of these issues, im more focused on myself to really care. this problem is one that gives me style, anyway. part of me likes knowing that i'm essentially an ice queen, putting on a show of shallow confidence for anyone who gets too close. i just can't really understand why i feel empty, whenever i think on this.

its 2024 now. cool, i guess. idk, i dont have too much to say rn, or anything interesting at least.

my goals for this year are to just do more stuff. i have some games i wanna get through, i wanna get back into regularly watching anime, shit like that. maybe ill broaden my music tastes even more, probably not though lol.

idk, im feeling pretty good today. kinda excited to get stuff done, actually. i wanna make this year a good one, because last one sure as hell wasnt good. i just wanna feel good this year. i sure do hope that statement wont age poorly in the coming months!!

oh well, i dont have too much to put here. whatever, lol